Couples Counselling
Couples Counseling
“I offer in-person couples counselling sessions in Vancouver and online sessions. My in-person counselling sessions are based in East Vancouver and I offer online counselling sessions using the Jane App. ”
What Is Emotionally Focused Couples Counselling?
Emotionally focused therapy (EFT) focuses on an individual’s attachment style and how this manifests in their intimate partner relationship. As a counsellor, I will be curious to learn about how couples engage with one another both in counselling sessions and outside. Emotions are explored thus, I will ask individuals how they felt, where in their body those feelings surfaced, what thoughts arose, and what behavior they engaged in. I also focus on how individuals process an experience, what emotions surface for them, and how this may differ for their partner. The aim of EFT is to strengthen the couple’s bond and to build safety. For counsellors, the client is the couple’s relationship rather than either of the partners.
Attachment Theory
EFT explores an individual’s attachment style and how this manifests in their relationship. There is extensive literature and research on the attachment theory founded by John Bowlby. According to Bowlby, there are four types of attachment styles.
- Secure attachment
- Anxious attachment
- Avoidant attachment
- Insecure attachment
Things To Consider Before You Start Couples Counselling?
One key component of EFT is learning about the couple’s attachment history. I will meet with more partners individually and ask them to share more about their childhood and upbringing. I will also be curious to learn more about their attachment needs in relation to romantic relationships. I invite you to think about the following questions.
Sign up for a free consultation
I encourage you to sign up for a free consultation with a counsellor before booking a counselling session. Some counsellors are trained in the Gottman method, others including myself, are trained in EFT and some are trained sex therapists. While there is some similarities between the Gottman method and EFT, there are also some differences, and talking to different counsellors will help you determine which approach is the best fit for you and your relationship.
Childhood and attachment history
– Who provided comfort to you when you were young?
– Was this individual consistently able to provide comfort when you needed it?
– Did this individual ever betray you or were they unavailable at a crucial time in your life?
Answers to these questions and others enable your counsellor to learn more about attachment figures in your life and whether or not they were able to meet your needs.
Romantic relationships attachment
– Are you able to be vulnerable and seek comfort from your partner?
– Have you experienced any traumatic incidences in previous intimate partner relationships?
Answer to these questions helps your counsellor gain more insight about your current and past romantic relationships. It may also help your counsellor identify any trends or commonalities with either your behavior and/or your partners.
Things To Consider Once You Start Your Counselling Journey
Starting couples counselling can feel stressful but also comforting. With some couples, one partner is more open to seeking counselling compared to the other who perhaps is a little unsure. I would invite you to consider the following as you embark upon your couples counselling journey.
- Partners often share the same interaction or experience but differ in terms of details. For example, one partner may share feeling frustrated, with her partner as they may not be helping with household chores. This partner may be left feeling upset and unheard which may result in them shutting down on occasions. Their partner, on the other hand, may feel criticized and hence they worry that they will not do a good enough job. Consequently, they may not help with household chores as they may be fearful of being judged. This may also be something they experienced as a child from their critical parent but their partner may not be aware of any of this.
- Intimacy is another core component of EFT couples counselling. One partner may be the one to initiate intimacy however, if their partner is less receptive, over time a partner may stop initiating and withdraw. This may result in a partner having unmet needs and if they do not communicate this with their partner, their partner will remain unaware. Their unmet needs will manifest elsewhere and sometimes during an argument. Physical touch is one of the five love languages and many couples strengthen their connection with physical intimacy.
- Repair is another part of EFT couples counselling. Partners may disagree and in the moment they may say something that they later regret. If however, an individual is able to acknowledge their behavior and reassure their partner, their partner is also to restore their trust in both the individual and their relationship. Moreover, a partner may need to reassure them that they can rely on their partner for comfort especially if growing up their primary caregiver was not consistently able to comfort them. These individuals may have an anxious attachment thus, they may seek more reassurance from their partner.
The Benefits of Couples Therapy
- Enhanced communication
- The Chance to Process Infidelity
- Work Through Sexual Dissatisfaction
- Identity Power Struggles
- Address Marriage/Premarital Issues
- Understand Each Other Better
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